Currently Listening Selected Ambient Works 85-92 By Aphex Twin We Are The Music Makers see related

As those of us who aren't blind can tell, it's been almost a year since my last entry. So how have things been for me in the past year? well, i might as well start off in regards to my last entry...

- I managed to borrow a computer mic from my uncle Mike i've had it for more than a few months now.
- I bought an Analog Synthesizer, it's a Juno-106 and i love it to death, despite the fact that the voice chip died almost immediately after i got it and it spent 4 months in the shop before it got fixed (it's a long story i won't bother with telling) Also, i killed the bass amp i was using with it by playing too many extreme frequencies. so now i have to record through headphones which is a real pain in the ass, but with proper Equalization is possible.
- I haven't really hooked up with any local musicians, even Casey & Joe.

Now onto my life, well....

      Jessica & I broke up this weds, It was our one year anniversary. Although it should have been different, i should have felt loved and happy, on that day i instead felt.....nothing. i felt like it was just another day where she put me down for not having a job, was jealous of my best (and besides her, only) friend, and declared that she'd like to have a bf who can take her to the movies every once in a while. this kind of anger & frustration with me caused us to break up/make up at least 6 times over the year we were together. normally i'd tolerate that kind of thing from her, but on weds i just snapped and told her everything i'd kept bottled inside, away from her for the past few months. 
     i told her about how i was sick of having to spend every waking moment of my life devoted to her, and while i used to cherish my devotion to her, it had become an weight on my back in the past few months.
     i told her if i wanted to see my best friend it was my god damn right to and that she can't tell me what to do.
     i told her a lot of things. i don't even remember half of them now, but i know i was thinking clearly when i explained how i felt our relationship had to end...even though i admit i was angry and i'm sure that made her all the more upset. it's taken me a full 21 years, but now i realize that when you break up with somebody, there's no way around it--it's hard. especially when you know you're going to love the person you were with for some time after you break up.
      but i have a cautious optimism towards my next relationship. i think i'll be able to navigate it better now that i understand how relationships are......on a very basic level. i hope Jessica feels the same way.....and i hope she'll find someone better than me out there. i don't feel very much regret about the relationship although she does...that's her choice though, i've taken it as a life-changing experience and when it was good, it was really good. it made me feel complete, which made it all the more difficult to watch it fall apart....when a relationship falls apart, a big part of you collapses too. some take it harder than others, and i don't know quite i feel about it yet. i guess what i'm trying to say is.......................................................................................i'm not heartless, i really hope/think i'm not, but i think i'm just too stressed and distracted in life to let this get to me. for now anyways.

that's all i'll say about that now.....

what else....

   I got busted for marijuana possession and unless i can come up with some money soon, i'm going to have to tell my dad what happened so he'll pay the fine. (btw this is one of the stressors i was talking about right up there^) i don't want this to happen, but right now things are looking bleak for me to find a job in the meantime, nobody wants to hire me--which leads us to my fun new game called What The Fuck Is Wrong With Me!?

is it my appearance?
i know i have the body of a bouncer, but i don't have the aggro-mentality of an asshole.

is it my goatee?
well, i shaved it off after about a year of having it today, so check that off the list.

is it my lack of college experience?
i didn't know you needed college experience to work at tops.

is it my criminal record???
i don't know, i hope you can't find out about that.

the point of all these is...i don't know what makes me so unappealing. maybe i'm just a worthless human being.
Now, what else is there to talk about....?

i'm still a pothead, but i've been trying to kick the stuff lately. actually, that's not true, i just don't have the means of getting it now, which leads me to....

My Car.

my fuckin piece of shit camry. the unfixable fucking camry. the camry used to be my pride....the one thing about me that was actually very nice and presentable. but in the past 8 months or so it has become the most fucking annoying and unreliable thing i use. even my synthesizer,which is 8 years older than the camry has a better performance record. my dad has dropped probably close to $500 (maybe even more) getting it fixed on at least two seperate occasions in the past few months and every time it's been fixed a week or two (sometimes even less) later it is developing another problem. the car's problems probably aren't even Toyotas fault, i instead blame the local mechanic, Greg, for the car's chronic failure.
  either he is a fuckin retard when it comes to camries or he's ripping me & my dad off cos my dad is foolish enough to keep coming back to him. although i owe my dad money for the camries last little breakdown (like $120 or something) i almost don't want to pay him because he keeps going back to the same person who obviously doesn't know how to properly inspect cars visually. fuck greg, i hope that fucker has a car land on him while he's working on it. well...............................maybe that's a little harsh. i don't wish death on him, but i wish he'd lose his job as a mechanic....even though he kind of is his own boss. whatever. in the end it's all just more stress piled upon my life. yippie. as if i don't have enough of that already.

maybe i'll put more entries in here sometime.....until then, if you've read all of this i genuinely thank you for taking such an interest in my (IMHO) boring life.

peace.

i'm so sick of being broke. i'm sick of not having even a dollar to spend on most days. i'm sick of cutting myself because i'm too unhappy with my life. i'm sick of getting off whenever i want. i'm sick of life. i know this entry is like dozens of others i've put up on here, but really things are getting really bad.

i find myself thinking about love constantly. constantly.

i think about just....laying in bed....any bed.....with a girl...both of us completely in love, kissing, making out, talking for hours......all that shit. i just......feel like it's going to happen soon, i don't know how, i don't know with who, but somehow i'm convinced it's going to happen. yet at the same time......i feel like i might as well be fantasizing about owning a solid gold BMW that ran on bright rays of fuckin sunshine--that's more likely to happen.

i need love.

i need love so badly in my life; i'm sick of having nobody, i'm sick of weed, and i'm sick of my best friend. (fuck him and his hateful fucking bitch girlfriend) i have had no luck whatsoever in finding someone, but i have had luck in finding heartache. it's everywhere and i can't avoid it.

seeing as how i don't have my friend or my marijuana anymore, what am i left with to keep me content.....? what's going to make me happy now?